Having just mentioned the fact that I have barely posted anything besides a story I found very funny and a “yayz for Brian Michael Bendis” style review of the Ultimate Spider-Man comics since October, and having just read an epic rant by Mick Foley – a legend in his own right in the world of professional wrestling – I figured it was perhaps time for another rant of my own, and this one I’ve been ranting about a lot to actual people recently so I figured what the hell, I’ll rant to e-people as well. And it’s on the subject of Christmas…

Now Christmas is, with the possible exception of my birthday where I don’t need to buy presents in return, without doubt my most favourite time of the year. For me Christmas means good food, good drink, good presents, good company and good television, and it makes me feel like a little kid again when I’m ripping the wrapping paper off of presents that I don’t know about on Christmas morning wondering what could be inside. And yes, like the big kid I am I still, even now, make it a habit to find out what presents I’m getting before Christmas day. I know I’m a spoil sport but dammit, I hate waiting for stuff.

So what could I POSSIBLY have to rant about, right? Simple: the real meaning of Christmas, and why it’s apparently offensive. And no, I’m not talking about that wonderful story that some guy made up a thousand years ago about a “virgin” who got pregnant and blamed it on God. I’m talking about good will and spending time with your family. THAT is what Christmas is all about after all, so why is that offensive? The answer is simple: because people are stupid.

Yes, it’s true, people are dumb as *insert dirty word of your choice here*. See there are two types of people in the world. The first are the type of person who think to themselves that something is somewhat annoying or somewhat offensive to them but who realise that the person who came up with it didn’t do it on purpose and who just put it out of their mind. Then there’s the other type who bitch and whine about whatever it was who has offended them. Now normally I’m type one – hell I’m SO far in to that category that even the things I SHOULD be offended by I normally just brush off, but this time I’m making an exception. See for me there is no religious aspect to Christmas at all. To me Christmas is just a day off from work where you get to eat turkey, drink alcohol, play party games, watch TV and open presents. And as far as I’m concerned THAT is what Christmas is about.

I’m not a religious person in the slightest. I’m not saying that I DON’T believe that there MIGHT be something somewhere that fills in a few blanks, but I don’t believe that there’s this all powerful uber-entity called “God” (or “Jehovah”, and no not Jay-Z) who created the world in six days about 6,000 years ago and who apparently also created false carbon-dated artefacts all across the world to fool the unbelievers. Nor do I believe that this “God”, after a period of time, told a guy named Noah to build a really big ship and put some animals on there who he could flood the entire world, then impregnated a virgin with his child and then let the kid grow up and get killed by man just so that he could “die for our sins”. In fact I can think of about fifty FAIRYTALES that actually sound more logical than that story. For a start if we’re all the children of two people, Adam and Eve, then how the hell do you explain… well… EVERYTHING! But skipping that flaw, Noah had his wife and three sons on the boat, right? So assuming that THAT story is true, did the sons all sleep with their mother to repopulate the Earth or did Noah have some daughters and the sons all slept with them?

The whole thing is just beyond stupid. And the story of Jesus is equally stupid, but alas some people believe it and more power to you. If you’re reading this right now and thinking “yep, he’s going to hell” then please pray tonight for your God to strike me down in the street tomorrow, at least that way he’ll have done something productive with the last six thousand years of his time. The guy made the whole world and then just left us to rot when the first two humans betrayed him, only to come back about 2,000 years ago and impregnate a virgin for kicks? What a wonderful person he is…

Anyway… back to Christmas. I have an on-going joke at the moment that the REAL meaning of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus – which, by the way, holds as much merit as anybody else born on that day because even if Jesus DID exist the fact is that according to the stories he wouldn’t have been born on the 25th of December anyway – and was told by somebody a few weeks ago how wrong I was. I laughed it off of course, much as I laughed off the fact that there were people from the Churches in Canterbury standing in the streets shouting about Jesus. Honestly I walked straight past them, as did several THOUSAND other people, and wondered what the hell they were wasting their time for.

But at the end of the day, whatever I want to believe in, I still want to be able to say “Merry Christmas” to people, but apparently that’s not politically correct. It should, apparently, be “happy holidays” or “season’s greetings” so as not to offend anybody. Now I suppose if you were Jewish and people kept saying “Merry Christmas” to you it might annoy you, but you could simply say “Happy Hanukkah” back, couldn’t you? And I suppose if you’re a Muslim it might be annoying as well, but then you chose to live in a country that celebrates at this time of year so the solution really is to go somewhere that doesn’t, isn’t it? And considering you follow a religion that tells you to kill everybody who doesn’t believe the things that you believe then really I don’t care about appeasing you.

The real question is if a person who doesn’t believe in ANY of this, who doesn’t believe in Jesus, Moses, Muhammad, Buddha, Jehovah, Odin or The Easter Bunny, isn’t IN THE SLIGHTEST BIT offended when somebody says “Merry Christmas” or who has to walk past people trying to convert him to one religion or another on a regular basis, then why on earth should anybody else be offended? Why should it be “Happy Holidays” when technically that statement would cover any time of the year? Why should it be “Seasons Greetings”, which you can technically say on June 15th and it still be valid – after all summer is a season, right? Why should one thing be politically correct and another shouldn’t when, at the end of the day, Christmas ISN’T about the birth of some guy named Jesus but rather is about GOOD WILL, spending time with family and being a NICE person? Why must it be ruined by a few cry babies who don’t like the term “Christmas”?

That is all.

Yes, I did just read the whole “symbiote war” arc today after leaving it until the end. And yes, I am, in fact, in the best mood I’ve been in when it comes to Spidey comics in a looooong time.

For those of you who don’t know (and who care) in the regular Marvel universe the original love of Peter Parker’s life wasn’t Mary Jane Watson as in the 90’s rTV series and the movies. The original love of Peter Parker’s life was a lovely young lady by the name of Gwen Stacy. Now omitting the attempt at character assassination by J. Michael Straczynski, Gwen was in fact the love of Petey’s little life. And, unfortunately for him and her, she was killed.

The event happened before I was even born, way back in the 70’s, in a comic simply called “The Night Gwen Stacy Died”. It was infamous. Back then it changed the rules for comics, because before then you didn’t just KILL a major character, let alone THE GIRLFRIEND OF YOUR HERO!! It was unthought of. It was evil. It was WRONG! But it happened none the less. Believe it or not if you’ve seen anything to do with Spidey and don’t know this story, you already know this story. It goes like this.

Norman Osborn goes insane (again) and relapses in to the Green Goblin. He goes to find Peter Parker, but doesn’t find Petey. Instead he finds Gwen. He kidnaps Gwen and takes her to the infamous George Washington Bridge. Spidey comes to save the day. At the end of the fight, having pretty much just lost, Osborn knocks Gwen off the side of the bridge.

Sound familiar? It should. It, and the subsequent death of Norman after Peter went to kill him, realised he couldn’t and then ducked as Norman impaled himself on his own glider, were the inspiration for Spider-Man #1, and the inspiration for the fight in the 90’s TV show.

In the comics however, unlike in the film, Spidey doesn’t save the day. He sees Gwen falling and fires down a webline to catch her. The sudden stop breaks her neck, and she dies. It’s quite possibly the single saddest moment in comics history, and has had a major affect on my life in general (from telling this story so many times).

Jump forward to the noughties and cue Ultimate Spider-Man, a modern day retelling of the Spidey-verse, again upon which the first film is based. In this universe Petey is just 15 and still goes to school. He gets bitten by the spider and becomes Spider-Man, and we’re enjoying the adventures of a very different Spider-Man in Ultimate Spider-Man.

In this universe Gwen is introduced quite early on as a very different character. Petey and MJ are already dating (and they’re relationship is so cute. They love each other, but MJ wants to wait… bless her. Oh, and they broke up for a bit and Pete dated Kitty Pryde, of X-Men fame, who they also go to school with. It’s all very different from the regular universe).

Anywhere, where was I? Oh yeah. Petey and MJ are dating, Petey is bullied at school, only MJ knows he’s Spider-Man, in comes a new girl in the class. Daughter of the chief of police, Gwen Stacy. Therein the similarity to the original universe ends. This Gwen isn’t as innocent as the regular Marvel version, in fact she carries a knife and almost uses it on one of the bullies who’s picking on Pete, and subsequently gets suspended. So yeah, she’s not a goody-two-shoes but dammit she retains all her original Gwen-like charm.

When her father dies, she moves in with Petey and Aunt May. She soon finds out Petey is Spidey, and makes her peace with the fact that she original held Spidey responsible for her father’s death (much like in the original universe, only she never found out the truth and never made her peace). Soon after however Gwen Stacy is killed, by the ultimate version of Carnage. This made me very, very sad…

The ultimate Symbiotes are very different to the regular ones. They don’t come from space, in fact they’re two different science experiments gone wrong. The first, the black suit, was designed as a way to cure all disease by Richard Parker (Pete’s dad) and Eddie Brock Sr. Before they could finish it however they died. When Petey discovers their lifes work, he touches it… and it bonds with him.

The symbiote is very, very different to the regular one. This one doesn’t make him insane, this one needs his DNA to effectively complete itself, since it was based on Richard Parker’s originally. Pete eventually gets it off, and Eddie Brock gets it instead. In between however Curt Connors, who already has a sample of Pete’s blood after treating him after a fight, gets a sample of the suit as well. He combines them, and creates a whole new monster. Ultimate Carnage.

Carnage finds Gwen and kills her, but somehow also manages to complete the process that the Venom suit can’t. It completes itself, and in fact BECOMES Gwen Stacy, or a weird version thereof. It copies her completely, from her DNA all the way down to her memories. It’s not a clone, it’s just a perfect genetic copy of Gwen, with Carnage-like powers.

Recently Carnage-Gwen escaped from SHIELD when Osborn blew up half the place. When it/she ran in to Brock, who’d just lost the Venom suit to SHIELD custody, the Carnage part of it/her bonded with Brock, and awoke whatever was left of Venom inside of him. He’s now back to eating people to stay alive.

And what’s left? Simple. Gwen Stacy, V2.

What does this mean?

IT MEANS FREAKING GWEN STACY IS BACK!! Ok, so it’s a somewhat odd way to come back, but what matters is that she’s back! And if they kill her again now, I will go insane. Well, more insane. I just told you all this giant-ass story, so that proves I’m somewhat insane.

But the point is: REJOICE, FOR GWEN IS REBORN!! And now Pete’s life has just gotten REALLY interesting, since we all know that the Ultimate Universe doesn’t have to follow the original, and we all know that Mary Jane and Pete never married in the original anyway (stupid Brand New Day), so what now for Ultimate Peter Parker?

Will it be Mary Jane Watson, cute as can be but who isn’t ready to go all the way (and she’s only 15, you can hardly blame her).

Will it be Kitty Pryde, who Petey’s already had a short relationship with and who he broke up with without actually telling her about it, only for her to start at his school a few days later. Oh the tension between them was great, and there’s still a little sparkle there even if they are all friends now.

Or will it be Gwen Stacy, back from the dead as she should have been in the regular universe.

Honestly, if you’re going to wipe out the marriage in Brand New Day and resurrect Harry Osborn, WHY THE HELL NOT BRING BACK GWEN!? Stupid Marvel…

Oh, Ultimate Spider-Man just keeps getting better. And they gave me a Christmas present that made me happy for once.

Yayz!

That is all.